Some of the brightest people I know become idiots when faced with marital conflict. An intelligent man listens to his wife talking about her needs, her desires, her interests - - and it’s as if she’s speaking a foreign language. A brilliant woman hears her husband describe his point of view, and she just doesn’t get it. What makes marital communication so tough? Is it that men and women just can’t communicate? No! Men normally don’t have any trouble resolving conflicts with women, and women are usually just as good negotiating with men. So, there must be something about marriage that blurs their thinking and makes communication difficult. It’s my observation that the conflicts spouses have with their mates is the harder of the two to resolve. Why? When spouses negotiate with someone other than their spouse, their rules are rather simple: "Tell me what the problem is and I’ll do everything within my power to help resolve it." Yet, when spouses negotiate with each other, their negotiating rules change, making it virtually impossible to peacefully resolve their issues. Let’s talk about two negotiating rules spouses use that tend to make matters worse.

Conflict. When this rule is used, the prevailing attitude is: "I’m ready for battle, and I’m not taking any prisoners!" Or, in simpler terms they’re saying: "I’m not going to be thoughtful and I’m not interested in hearing what your needs are. Either, give me what I want, or I’m going to be angry and just as disrespectful as I can be!"

Withdrawal. This rule is normally used following damaging verbal and emotional battles which accomplished nothing positive. After such battles spouses will raise their emotional defenses, because they’re angry, confused and hurt, and, they’ve given up all hope of ever resolving things. Couples who have withdrawn are emotionally numb, and they have nothing else to say. So, virtually all communication is stopped.

Proper Communication. Obviously, couples must avoid major, continuous conflict and withdrawal. This doesn’t suggest that you can exist without ever having conflict, disagreement, and things you must negotiate. For instance, if one spouse is spending irresponsibly, driving the family toward bankruptcy, this must be changed. Yet, in many instances an impulsive and irresponsible habit like this will not cease overnight. But, while the spouse whose spouse has the problem must be patient, the spouse with the problem must make some immediate changes. It’s important to resolve things quickly and move on. Enjoyable - healthy marriages exist and thrive when each spouse is doing everything within their power to please the other and to meet the other person’s needs. This kind of giving is unconditional. This means each one is interested in doing what’s best for the other, and what’s best for the marriage. As long as both spouses react this way, things like open communication, peace, respect, honor, and intimacy has a place to exist.

The apostle Paul tells us, "Be angry and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath" [Ephesians 4:26]. While anger is a natural emotion, it’s also a very destructive one. That’s why Paul further states in verse 31, "...let anger... be put away from you."